Evelyn Schlatter

Perhaps my suppositions about the apocalypse are wrong. Misguided, even. No zombies or mass hysteria. No complete and utter collapse of the world’s infrastructures and attendant riots and looting (gotta get that big-screen plasma TV for the bunker). No Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome or wars over gasoline like in Road Warrior. No extraterrestrial invasion (though they’d probably be more interested in those hi-def TVs). And certainly none of this nutso climate change stuff.

No. None of that. Instead, we’ll all descend into some kind of horticultural zen zone, able to re-create every current known food crop on the planet. And we’ll be able to do this, thank God, because of the following:

According to the BBC, some of the world’s leading dignitaries attended the official opening of a so-called “doomsday seed vault.”

Except…survivors of doomsday might not be able to get into the dang thing. It’s located 426 feet inside a mountain on a “remote Arctic island,” (621 miles north of Norway) designed to withstand all natural and human disasters. Well, yeah. Because it’s too freakin’ cold up there for anybody to mess with it. The Svalgard Global Seed Vault is designed to withstand a nuclear-zombie-climatic-mega war situation. Which begs the question: If anybody survives such a heinous conglomeration of forces, how do they get in to access the seeds and start growing delightful food crops in order to perpetuate the species that might actually have helped create the heinous conflagration of forces in the first place? Irony abounds.

Nonetheless, the purpose of this repository of seedification, if you will, is thus:

The Svalbard Global Seed Vault, which is currently being established in the permafrost in the mountains of Svalbard, is designed to store duplicates of seeds from seed collections from around the globe. Many of these collections from developing countries are in developing countries. If seeds are lost, e.g. as a result of natural disasters, war or simply a lack of resources, the seed collections may be reestablished using seeds from Svalbard. [From the Svalbard Global Seed Vault website]

Which makes sense, to a point. But it begs the question: How the hell do we get there in order to reestablish said collections if something really scary happens? After all, what happens in the Third World doesn’t necessarily mean it STAYS in the Third World.

So for those of you who are planning to check this out so you can familiarize yourselves with the layout and location (in preparation for when the s*** hits the fan, of course), the vault consists of three secure rooms at the end of a 410-foot tunnel and you have to go through 4 sets of locked doors. Not just any doors. Big, metal, vault-like doors with airlocks. Like on the Death Star. The interior of the seed vault looks like something Dick Cheney might have requested for an undisclosed location. So make sure you’re friends with the key-holder.

Ah, but before you even knock on the door with your ice hammer, sled, and frozen canine companions, you have to somehow get there. Here’s a delightful view that demonstrates what’s involved if you want to take a tour.

I think I saw this in Tomb Raider…

But wait! Perhaps they’re counting on global warming and climate change to render the terrain practically subtropical when a heinous conflagration of forces occurs, which would make it a lot easier not only to get there, but also to grow the seeds and begin another cycle of human existence. Provided someone survives.

Me? I’m hoping for zombies. I can outrun them and they don’t need seeds. Plus, I might be able to train them in horticulture.